How does one write a blog when this adoption thing
I remember last summer, when the honeymoon phase was a distant memory, and I scoured the Internet for signs that I was normal. That other adoptive moms struggled with similar issues. I’m sure they’re out there, but I couldn’t find any.
If you’re wanting to hear happy and heart-warming stories about how delightful life has been in this new “norm” for the McClure family, I suggest you look away. Because, as I’ve learned, sobbed, processed, and searched in my heart, I’ve been seeing some things about myself that bring me here to my first post in six months:
One, I like to speak truth. I loathe being fake. Not all of the time but most, I cannot not tell the truth, even if no one’s backing me into a corner to tell the truth. I love being real about my faults, and I love sharing what I’ve learned through my stumblings.
Two–and this is often at odds with what I wrote above–I hate feeling judged. I know for a fact that I imagine others’ judgment far more than its occurrence. Yet, even if it’s imaginary, I don’t like it and therefore try to avoid it.
So this is how I take those two things and have made life “work”: I only disclose some of the truth. I don’t mind being transparent with my faults as long as they keep me on one side of acceptance. For example, I can tell my other mom friends that I yelled at my kids today. Many moms yell at their kids. I’d venture to say that most moms yell at their kids. I wish I didn’t, but that is one of my faults. There. I am not being cavalier about it, but I have no problem confessing that to friends who can relate. (Though, admittedly, I find it harder to publish that on a blog. See? There goes my confession impulse right there.) I’ve heard before that there's a difference between being transparent and being vulnerable. Transparent is listed in the dictionary as “having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.” Vulnerable, on the other hands is, “susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.” I’m good at being transparent. Understandably, I’m rarely vulnerable.
Adoption has pushed me in ways I’ve never been pushed. And knowing that God does things for a reason, I want to take the road that involves less of, “Why did you do this to me???” to more of, “Okay, Father, how do you want to redeem this heartache (of all involved) for Your glory?” This will involve vulnerability. This fear of feeling condemned for my spectacular failures has the possibility to keep my heart hidden and engulfed in shame. Or I can share it with others whose hearts, as well as my own, will be nudged into the light, where the enemy can no longer condemn and jeer.
So, now my blog will often be about this process of adoption for me–of taking a stranger into our home and growing in love for her as my own. And the process, at least right now, is filled with more tears than giggles and more crying out to God than thanking Him for this season. It will be filled with Real. And it will push me to an uncomfortable–yet strangely freeing–place of being vulnerable.
So, speaking truth beats out hiding from possible judgment. There may only be a handful of you out there who can relate to me or be helped in any way by what I write, but, actually I think this blog is mostly for me anyways.
