It’s been over two weeks since we’ve had Isabelle. Our time in Guangzhou is done (we arrived in Indiana almost a week ago), and now “real life” has officially begun. She’s no longer an orphan, no longer a future adoptive daughter, no longer merely a set of pictures and notes written by others on paper. She’s officially our daughter. We’d anticipated and imagined this for a very long time!
For those reasons and more, I wish I could give another glowing post here on this blog–one that gives that beautiful picture of redemption that adoption is imagined to be. And, deep down, it is beautiful. But the day to day life of our adoption journey, for me at least, isn’t as pretty as that. Even though we’d been warned by many parents who’d adopted previously that the first x number of months wouldn’t be easy, I realize now that I was unprepared. I had known, of course, a child with attachment issues would bring some challenges, and I braced myself for it to be hard if/when she struggled to bond to us. However, I never imagined that it would be hard for me to bond to her.
That’s not something I was prepared for. I had expected that bonding would take time; I thought I would have months to grow closer to her–months that she would need as well. Who would’ve known that she seems to need so little time? She’s sweet, affectionate, and full of smiles–a dream child (everyone keeps on telling us) to adopt. Sometimes I feel that I should feel joyful and infatuated, but often times, I simply don’t. I keep on reminding myself that what I’m feeling is normal for adoptive parents–that one day my love for her will be as unabashed as my love for Connor. And until then, I will follow others’ advice and will myself to treat her the same, because that’s what she needs from me.
I need more time for our family, this new family of four, to feel right again. And, more than that, I need God to help me to love her well. And I need His voice of strength (when I feel weak), tenderness (when I feel accused), and encouragement (when I feel discouraged) to be the loudest.
I hadn't
ReplyDeletethought of that part of attachment. It makes total sense, Sung! Your honesty is wonderful and good. I will be lifting this up on behalf of you four. Love, Kayla
Wow. Thanks for sharing so honestly. I will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteSung, I had a similar experience with Wes, whom we adopted as an infant. I wonder if it's like that for second, third, fourth children in general.
ReplyDeleteWes is a year old now, and I can say that I feel a similar fondness toward Elia and Wes and that I am well-bonded with them both. But it took more time to build a connection with Wes. I had less time to hold him, gaze at him, drink coffee and snuggle him. During Wes's first weeks, it was lug Wes around while I chase Elia and do more laundry!!!
During these months I will be praying that God showers His grace on you four during this time of transition. Thanks for your amazing updates. I feel so blessed to be able to read about your adoption journey.
Sung, a friend who recently adopted shared honestly with me... she said: "sometimes it feels like I have a really demanding stranger living in my home"
ReplyDeletejust another "attachment challenging" moment from a mommy - and you are right, what we read/hear/see the most is the child's side of the attachment story, so I am grateful for your honest sharing of the parent side of the picture
just wanted to let you know we are praying for you all. I know you are busy with everything, but I'm sure we are all looking forward to your next update. Love you, friend!
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